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Thursday, April 28, 2005

Hola!

I had some weird dreams agian yest nite!!!Well,whatz new rite?There is so much going on in my monkey brain all the time that i tend to have weird dreams all the time!Yesterday would be wednesday nite, and today is thursday,which is ToTo day!And guess what,i dreamt of me buying toto!But thatz not the whole story...in the dream,i had something against a fat lady and i hated her,so i put up a pretence to scold her-->in the form of buying toto! I purposely read out the numbers i wanna buy, which are,in the order,38-7-4-24-2-21....which translate into san ba(bitch),qu si(go and die),er si(starve to death),ni(you) and i dunno how the 21 comes about though...haha...and only 1 number-->38 came up in today's pick!damn......if you think this story is amusing...wait till you hear about my next dream!It is the most disgusting dream i have had for as long as i remember!I am a model in the dream,who is doing a photoshoot...sounds glamorous you say?check this out!There is this other male model,who is pretty shuai,in the photoshoot with me.And i dunno whatz up with me in the dream,but i am pretty terrified of the photographer so i did everything he says.We were told to sit on the couch and some photos are taken...and the photographer told us to....KISS!!!!!?!?!?!!?!?Holy cow!!!!!!And the male model came on to me like a tiger!!!!And as if things are not bad enuff....he stick his f*#king tongue into my mouth!!!!How gross is that!?!??!!??!!?Lucky i only have recollections till there....my god i can have that gross feeling in my mouth right now....yucks!!!!!

I think i can realli start a blog on my dreams everyday,been having weird dreams all the time,itz more interesting than a drama!

[Pronounced Dead] 8:15 PM

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Hot Hot Rainy Wednesday

It is sooooo warm!!!!!and to think that the sky juz poured gallons of rain earlier in the evening....doesn't seems to help or simmer the heat one bit...spore is one big sauna now....geez....spent about 10 minutes editing a sad love story i read on the net juz now to post here but there is some error and i'm lazy to edit again....haha....waiting for amazing race to be shown on tv now....when the hell is rob and amber gonna be eliminated!?!?!?They are so manipulative....they shld be hanged!juz like the entrepreneur couple in the last season...forgot what their names are...

Damn...realli feeling hot hot hot right now....and i'm still coughing away...itz affecting my sleep,cuz i have the urge to cough when i'm lying down....arrgghhh.....later got chelsea vs liverpool....wondering if i should watch it???dunnno will have enuff sleep anot.....arrghhh....spurs lost to arsenal the day b4....darn the gunners...only won by a single goal...they were lucky!!!!

I took off my curtains for my mum to wash the other day, then i realised....the curtains haven't been taken down since it was put up when i first moved in!!!!!do you know how long ago that was?It is at least 7 yrs ago!!!my goodness!!!when i look at the bucket where the curtains were submerged...the water is all black!!!gross!Well i used to smoked inside my room in the past...so i guess that contributed to the level of dirt on the curtains...haha...and some of my stuff in the room still smells of cigarettes...well i sleep alone...so thatz alrite....but i'm gonna open my windows n air it this coming weekend....and subsequent weekends till the smell goes away.....

Feeling hungry now.....shall go find food.....ciaoz

[Pronounced Dead] 9:59 PM

Only love

Read this story on the net a while ago and found it pretty sad....read it if you want to...but i gotta warn you...itz really long...

It's a cold February night. People are bustling through the streets, either pulling up their coat collars or wrapping scarves around their necks, trying to stay warm.

It's so cold today.I'm standing at my window, looking at the people moving like little dots. Standing in a heated room, I'm beginning to pity those people. Why don't they go home? Do they plan on wandering until morning?

"Almost time to go home! My boyfriend must be going crazy." One of the nurses breathe a sign of relief. "Still needs to work overtime on Valentine's Day. It's so unfair!"

"You are fortunate." Another nurse says.
"Some people don't have anyone waiting for them."

"You mean Dr. Shu?"

Like Sherlock Holmes, my ears perk up when I hear my name.

"Do you remember how she lost control on this day last year?"

"Of course I do." A nurse shudders. "I've never seen Dr. Shu like that. Crying and yelling, like she was crazy."

They are talking about how I was last year. They are correct. I was out of control, like they said.

"You can't blame Dr. Shu. If my boyfriend died in front of my eyes, I would probably go crazy as well."
"Keep it down. She hasn't left work yet. She might hear you."

The two nurses are too late. I heard the entire conversation through the canvas wall.

"Dr. Shu, what are you doing standing here?" Just as I was deciding whether or not to reveal myself, another nurse exposed me. I awkwardly step out. The 2 nurses who discussed me start to blush. Their faces became redder than the bow on Valentine's Day chocolates.

"I'm waiting to go home." I pretend that I didn't hear anything.
"Dr. Shu, you must have gotten too involved in your work. It's already past time to go home. "See you tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day!" She waves goodbye.

"Happy Valentine's Day."
I wave back and watch the 2 nurses hurry away. That's fine. I was ready to go home anyway. Even though no lover is waiting for me, at least there's a lazy cat waiting for me to feed. After I come home, the first thing I do is feed the cat. I forgot when I first had the cat. Probably since last year's Valentine's Day. At that time, I was like an abandoned cat, with eyes filled with despair. Cats don't cry, I do. That's the only difference.

"Better drink all the milk or I'll skin you." I threatened the cat.

Her name is Christine, my least favorite English name. I don't know why I named the cat Christine. Christine meowed once to let me know she heard me, but her eyes are complaining about my severity. Her eyes remind me of someone I used to know, standing in front of me with eyes of rebellions.

An year ago today, I had lunch with my boyfriend and took the opportunity to complain to him.

"Today is Valentine's Day. Why didn't you give me any flowers?"
He raised his eyebrow. "Why should I give you flowers? You are not my anyone."
"Then... you should at least give me a card!" I pouted my lips, hurt by his tone.
"I know, I know. After lunch, I'll send you an e-card."

E-card. That sounds so impersonal, but that's the way he is.

"You have to e-mail it to me. I'll be waiting."

I excitedly smiled and planned to sneak home after lunch to check e-mail. Even though he wouldn't use any romantic words, I still looked forward to the card.

"I can't stand you women. Why do you make such a big deal out of Valentine's Day??" He grumbled while eating his food.

His comment induced me to fight with him again. "You are not romantic at all!! Don't you watch any Japanese drama?"
"Japanese drama? I only watch Discovery Channel."
"Your life is so boring." I made a face at him. "One recent drama was really good. You should have watched it."
"What's that drama called?" He didn't believe in the love portrayed in TV and movies. He always thought they were lies.
"It's called 'Story of A Century'." I gladly answered.
"What kind of trashy plot did it have?"
"What do you mean trash?? Show some respect!" I was so angry.
"That drama was very touching, and the theme song was beautiful as well. It's called 'Only Love', performed by Nana Mouskouri."

I wonder if he knew who Nana was.

"Nana, I know her. A Greek singer with really expensive albums."
"Her voice is worth it."

Even though I secretly agreed with him, I couldn't bring myself to admit it.

"Whatever." He glanced at his watch. "I'll give you 5 minutes to tell me the plot. After that, I'm leaving."

I tried hard to explain 6 hours worth of story in just 5 minutes. The drama portrayed the love stories of 3 generations of women spanning 100 years, from 1901 to 2000. Each generation was portrayed by the same actress. The story was tear-jerking.

"What's so touching about it?" He asked, after listening to the story.
"Don't you think each generation's story is wonderful? If I have such great screen writing ability, I wouldn't be a doctor anymore. I would become a screenwriter."
"If you become a screenwriter, I bet no one would watch the show. The TV station can go out of business." He quickly interjected.
"I'm going back to work. Hurry and send me the card!"

I was so mad that I went home immediately, not even finishing my coffee. As soon as I walked in my door, I turned on my computer and go online. Staring at the empty in-box, I began to reminisce about how we met.

Maybe no one will believe me, but my boyfriend and I were actually neighbors. Our homes were only 1 wall away. Ever since we were kids, we liked to fight with each other all day long. I still remember when I moved to the country that year. Used to the city life, I couldn't get used to the simple life in the country. After school, I would just go home and do nothing. Whenever that happened, he would always come over to tease me.

"Why are you staring off into space??" He loved to pull on my hair.
"You're so ugly when you're doing nothing. But you're also not pretty when you smile."
In other words, I'm really ugly.

"You're the one who's ugly!" I pull back my hair.
"If you think I'm so ugly, why do you visit me??"
"Can't help it. My home is right next to your home." He argued.
"Then I'll move!"

The next day, I drew a line in the ground using some white chalk. A line that I forbid him to cross. That year, we were both in the 5th grade. We couldn't stand each other and hoped the other would move away. But 5 years passed, and neither of us moved. Not only that, we got into the same high school and into the same class.

"You're that infamous couple." All the students and teachers in the school would say whenever they saw us.

"We're not!" I always tried to explain.

"We're only neighbors." At that time, I hated my parents for making us live next to him.

"My standard is not that low." He would say. "Who wants her to be a girlfriend?? It's not like I don't have eyes."

"Yes, I know your eyes are on top of your head." I really disliked him.

"Better than having eyes on the bottom of my head like you." He implied that I couldn't judge guys.

At that time, I had a crush on a senior. I didn't think that his sarcasm had a hidden meaning. After a while, I found out that the senior student had lots of girlfriends. When I cried about it, he silently passed me a handkerchief and awkwardly held me in his arms.

"I told you he wasn't any good." He roughly comforted me.

I cried in his arms the whole night, and began to see him in a different way. Things began to change between us. We still fought all the time, but he started to look at me differently. And I blushed and my heart beat faster when he was near. We both knew: we fell in love with each other. Even with this knowledge, neither of us said anything. Even though we would not be able to resist and kissed each other constantly. Even though we cared about each other's every moves. Both of us refused to admit our love.

Time flew by quickly, and it was time to face separation. I chose to study medicine, and he chose physics. Yet we still couldn't separate from each other. Our parents worried that we didn't know anyone in Taipei, so they forced us to live in the same apartment building. Once again, we became neighbors. We still fought, but sometimes we fought into the bedroom.

Alright, we became lovers, but we still wouldn't say we loved each other. We didn't even spend Valentine's Day together until he saw me share dinner with a man one Valentine's Day. That night, he waited for me in front of my door and said that he would take me out to dinner on Valentine's Day from then on. I have to say that he was very arrogant. But I nodded and accepted his request. Since then, we spent every Valentine's Day together.

After graduation, I became an intern. He started a small computer company with some friends and became a programmer. We were busy with our own lives and had no time for a relationship. Three years later, I became a doctor, and his business began to boom. We separately moved to bigger apartments and stopped being neighbors. On the surface, we left each other. In reality, we were still together. We spent every Valentine's Day together but each year became more dreary than the next because he never told me he loved me even with all my hints.

Facing the empty in-box, I suddenly grew very angry. He wouldn't say it and wouldn't send me a card. What did he mean? Who did he think I was?

I called his cell phone.

"Hello." He picked up the phone.
"I didn't receive the card." I immediately showed my displeasure.
"You didn't receive it?" He seemed really busy. "But I sent it." He was really busy but I didn't care.
"I didn't receive it. Send it again."
"Okay, I'll send you 100 times. Is that good enough??" He said with impatience.

His tone further infuriated me. Is that how lovers speak to each other?

"Don't bother sending it to me. And you don't have to pick me up tonight. I'll eat dinner by myself."
"Don't be childish, ok? I'm really busy."
"I AM childish!" I hung up the phone and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Childish?? Why didn't he consider the situation? We've gone out for so many years and spent countless Valentine's Day together. I never received any flowers nor cards from him. Now, I just want a little e-card. Is that too much to ask for??

I unplugged the phone from the wall and turned off my cell phone. I didn't want to hear his explanations. After I returned to the hospital, I instructed the receptionist not to forward me any phone calls. I wanted to concentrate on work. Because there were so many emergencies today, I was sweating 1 hour later and forgot about our argument.

"Dr. Shu, please take a look at that patient." As I was collecting my equipment, the shrill sound of an ambulance sounded outside the ER. When I stepped out the door, the emergency medics hurriedly wheeled in a gurney.

"What happened to him?" I asked the 1st medic. Everyone else were trying to help put the patient on the gurney. He was covered with blood.

"Car accident." The medic replied. "Very serious. He may die."

I nodded and ran to the operating room with them. When I arrived, the nurses told me that the man had already stopped breathing and also his heartbeat also stopped

"Prepare for shock." I calmly instructed the nurses.

Saving people is our duty. We can't lose our calm. But when I saw who laid on the operating table, I lost my calm. That person was my boyfriend!

"No..." I stood in shock.

"NO!!!"

I grabbed the paddles and continuously shocked his body. His body bounced up and down from the shocks. The scared nurses went to find another doctor, to tell him that I was crazy. I didn't know if I was crazy or not. I just wanted to save my lover. Even though we fought all the time. Even though he never showed me his love. I still wanted to save him. He still owed me a card. He couldn't die! I threw away the paddles and began to press on his heart. I pressed with all my strength, hoping it would revive him, but he didn't wake up. He didn't even say "It hurts". He just laid there with his eyes closed, punishing me with his silence.

Dr. Jian angrily pushed me away. By that time, I couldn't see clearly anymore. I cried. I wailed. I bowled until no sounds could come out of my mouth.

"It's too late, Dr. Shu. He's already dead. I'm sorry." Dr. Jian patted me on the shoulder. They knew each other and ate together once. I introduced them.

"He can't die." I shook my head. "He can't die!!" I struggled to run to him.

"Dr. Shu, control yourself!" Dr. Jian slapped me. "I understand what you're going through, but you're a doctor."

Yes, I'm a doctor, but I'm also a regular person. How can Dr. Jian understand how I feel? I've loved him for so many years that it's become a habit. How can I just throw away a habit? Besides, he still owed me a card.

"I want him to live! I want him to live!" I ran to him again and tried to knock the life back into his body.

"Take her away!"

That day, I lost my control and my professionalism. And that day happened to be Valentine's Day.

Afterwards, I asked his co-workers why he left work early that day. They told me that after I hung up the phone, he tried to call me several times but couldn't reach me. Worried, he drove to the hospital to find me and got hit by a large truck on the way. When I heard this, I froze. My tantrum killed him. Just because of an unmailed card, he died.

After that, I lost my privilege to be childish. Like an abandoned cat, I couldn't even cry anymore. After his death, I couldn't cry anymore, regardless of how touching the plot or how tear-jerking the dialogue. They didn't affect me anymore. Now, I'm only left with a cat and a seldomly used computer.

Stepping over the cat, I turned on the computer. Even though I know no one will send me a mail, I still hoped that someone will remember me on this day. Meow, meow. I looked at Christine to see what's wrong. She finished her milk. I went into the kitchen to get her more milk then came back to look at the computer screen. I have.... 100 emails! Who would be bored enough to send me 100 junk mail? I was just about to delete them all when I received another mail, and this one said: "Because of system error, we could not send these until today. We apologize for the delay." The sender was my ISP.

I looked at the 1st mail. It showed the send date is last year's Valentine's Day. My heart began to beat fast. Could he have sent these? With a trembling hand, I opened the mail. The first thing that popped up was a gorgeous red rose set against green leaves. Then a beautiful melody began to play.... "Only Love".

I couldn't believe it. The rose was so beautiful and the music was so dreamy. I almost thought I was in a fantasy. Most touching of all were the words underneath the rose, because the words read like a beautiful poem.

"Hwei." That's my name.

"Knowing you so many years, I've never sent you any flowers. Today I send you a rose."

I received it and it's so beautiful.

"You know we are always fighting. We can never really open our hearts and tell each other how we feel."

Yes, but it's all your fault for being so distant.

"I know I always make you mad by the things I say."

Good that you're admitting it.

"But today I want to say to you: I'm sorry, and I love you."

I waited so many years for those words.

"And I want to tell you a good news. I finally saved enough money."

You already have enough money. Why did you need so much?

"So Hwei, let's get married!! I was afraid to propose to you, because I didn't trust in my ability to give you the good life you deserve. But now I've saved enough money so we don't have to wait anymore."

Who wanted you to wait? I'm already yours.

"Today, I use this card to propose to you. Will you marry me, Hwei? Will you?"

That's the content of the whole card. Like a fool, I kept reading his words and talking to him. It's like I can hear his voice and see him again. As if it's back to 1 year ago with us constantly fighting.

The song played over and over.
Repeating Nana's heartbreaking voice.

"...Only love can make a memory.
Only love can make a moment last.
You were there and all the world was young and all it's songs unsung.
and I remember you then when love was all, all you were living for, and how you gave that love to me...."

The lyrics of this song fits our love so closely. When he was alive, my world was so young. Every day, I could find a something different to fight with him about. But after he left, my life is only left with memories and coldness that will never go away.

"Will you marry me?"

When I read these words, my tears unconsciously came, wetting the keyboard.

Will I? If he's in front of me, I will definitely kick him and call him a big fool.

If I wasn't willing, I wouldn't have waited until today.

So I moved the cursor over the "Reply" box, and typed the response that I've already prepared for so many years - "I will."

I will - be by his side for the rest of my life.

I will - fight with him forever.

That is how I answered him, but the only response I got was the repeating song "Only Love."

Nevertheless, I opened every single letter, accepted every singled rose, and typed the same response: "I will."

I replied 100 times, and "Only Love" played 100 times.

In this cold Valentine's night, the line that's been broken for 1 year finally got reconnected.

I answered you.

What about you?

[Pronounced Dead] 9:59 PM

Saturday, April 23, 2005

2.45am on a sleepless nite

Glanced at the clock...itz 2.45am already...my goodness....and i still can't get to sleep...wanted to sleep at around 12...but after an hour of tossing'n'turning in bed and another hour plus of tv later...here am i writing a my blog!

Since i hasn't post anything for such a long time,i thought i might juz write a grandpa story here to see if i will eventually get bored with myself and reunite with my bed once again...juz as i'm typing this....i really heard a groaning sound coming from the computer...sounds something like an old man groaning away....i'm not writing this to scare anyone or that i'm really bored outa my mind....i really did!and then.......................i realised that it was juz my stomach growling away...wahahah....since i've already brushed my teeth,i gave up the idea of ransacking my kitchen for a late nite bite.

i didn't have a good sleep yest nite too...and the reason?you wouldn't believe me if i told ya....and dun label me as the silliest fool in the world after reading this ok....u can juz label me...weird....the REASON i couldn't get to sleep...is a loooooooooooooooong story...it all began a few days ago when i caught a fever,sore throat,cold all at the same time which resulted in constant coughing with lotsa phlegm,headaches,running nose,blocked nose blah blah....and you muz be bewildered by the fact that i had a running nose and blocked nose at the same time rite?so is it blocked or is it running?!??!make up your mind!!!but hey,my nose is indeed blocked to the extent i have to breathe through my mouth...but watery stuff keeps running out of my nose that had me dabbing my nose like every 5secs or so....so that is a BLOCKED nose and a RUNNING nose at the same time isn't it?Anyway,back to the story,sick as i was,i log on to msn for my daily chat and while trying to relate my sorry plight to my frens....i got stuck in my description.....becuz i forgot how to spell "phlegm"....and it pisses me off big time that i forgot the spelling!!!!I'm not those eat-potato or ang mo kinda pple that is particular about my command of language...i'm juz frustrated with myself for forgetting something that i used to know....so i asked around...hoping someone will tell me how to spell the word...but sadly...nobody can....and i check the dictionary...but the darnest thing about looking up a dictionary is that if you dun even know the spelling...how the hell are you gonna search for it?i thought the spelling would be something like "flam" as the pronunciation makes it to be....wonder which idiot invented the word...in the end,i failed in my attempt to look up the word...*ohhh...class 95 playing in the beginning by bryan adams n donna lewis now....soooo nice...*...then i tried looking it up on the net using yahoo search by using words such as mucus and yellowish stuff from throat....to no avail either...so i tried to recall the word in my bed...and i didn't get any results as well...so THATZ how i lost precious sleep over last nite....hows that for an idiotic act by me?and the best thing is....the word suddenly pops up in my mind today when i came across the word "physical"...and it dawns upon me that the "f" sound in words can be formed by "ph" as well as thereafter..."PHLEGM"...i will never forget how to spell this bloody word again for the rest of my life!!!!hahahah....told ya i'm gonna write grandpa story already...itz a long long story for a simple incident isn't it?it can be summarized in juz these few words-->i lost sleep cuz i forget how to spell a word.....wahahha....so what if i write lotsa useless crap?shoot me!

Watched long vacation on tv juz now...i muz have watched the drama for more than 5 times already...but who's counting?long as itz nice...i can watch it over n over n over again...haha...the show got a lot a lot alot of really nice musical pieces and songs...like "close to you"..."what will i do"..."deeper and deeper"...and other nice piano pieces...but nothing beats the jap serial "Love generation"...i watched it for more than 10 times!!try beating that!rememeber that i used to stay up through the nite juz to finish the whole serial....told you i am one weird cookie already...yest i watch american's funniest home video...there is this segment where they play wedding proposals...it was funny...but still sweet as well!and there's also a cat stroking a dolphin...ohh...so heartwarming....and there's this show called Totally Outrageous Acts of Love on axn the day b4 where they show out of the world wedding proposals....some of them are really creative and sweet....took down some notes...might need it for reference in the future should my wife-to-be is a romantic nut-case like them...hahahahahaha

Heard a shocking news the day b4...that one of my close fren is attached!!!!some of you know who she is la...but i shan't announced her name until she publicly announce her departure from singlehood....she din even tell any of us good buddies!!!and the way we got to hear of it is totally silly....not gonna say it here...haha...but if u are close to me...ask me..i might tell ya!she's gonna get it from me the next time we meet....wahahaha....if you are reading this....wear a helmet n armour ah!!!!come to think of it....everyone is attached around me.....pretty sad to think of myself huh?dun worry,i believe the chap above the clouds wun be that mean to me...haha....whatz meant to be,will eventually come...or maybe not?

my sis is gonna move out in early may....the contractor is a total mistake man....he actually wanna knock down a whole damned wall without getting a permit from hdb first???hello?u are the professional in this line and all of us laymen knew you gotta have legal papers for this kinda stuff so why dun you??!?!?!We clear out the storeroom for my sis and her hubby's stuff the other day and i am not exagerrating to say this...the storeroom is more than 70% emptier!!!if she clear her shoes in the cabinet as well....it will be more than 90% emptier!!!my house will be something like an empty shell when she finally move out and thatz the way i like it!!!

ok..enuff of my crapping....

hello sleeping bug.....come bite me plssss...?????

[Pronounced Dead] 2:46 AM